It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
