did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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