I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
