I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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