He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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