I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
