The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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