Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
