that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
