what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
