i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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