I puked a lego.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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