nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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