ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
