In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
