God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
