bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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