I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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