it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
