new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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