when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
