I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
