I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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