I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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