The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
