I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
