A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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