he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
