May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
