I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
