I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
