when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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