yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
