My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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