What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
