There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
