Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
