What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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