I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
