I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
