I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
