Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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