So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
