ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
