My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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