Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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