Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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