i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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