this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
