Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
